Tag: here we are
On a more individual level, when a person attempts to rid themselves of all vindictive feelings, [Jeffrie G.] Murphy (2000) points out that they may also be letting go of self-respect, self-defense, and allegiance to a moral order. He argues that the passion for revenge is not necessarily a human evil. Forgiveness theorists have not properly addressed that point.
To take this point a bit further, forgiveness theorists have been unwilling to seriously consider the positive effects of negative emotions. They begin from a standpoint that emotions such as resentment, vengefulness, and anger are bad because they make people feel bad. While forgiveness therapy as outlined by Enright and Fitzgibbons (2000) is specifically designed to “treat anger,” we are not so sure why anger must be treated and why it is bad for a person. Carol Tavris (1982) has splendidly pointed out that anger often seems wrong to us when a person in an inferior position feels the emotion and right when a superior expresses it.
Sharon Lamb, introduction to Before Forgiving: Cautionary Views of Forgiveness in Psychotherapy, edited by Lamb and Murphy (New York: Oxford University Press, 2002), 8.
bolding mine. @auntbutch relatedly to the passages you just posted.
Arguments for forgiveness that aim at a release from anger are aimed also at a kind of conformity over what “mental health” in women has been defined as. Psychological research has long showed us that women who are angry and resentful are viewed by the mental health profession as unhealthy (Becker, 1997; Burstow, 1992). Gender conformity then is “met” when a woman forgives her wrongdoer and lets go of resentment, even at the cost of self-respect.
With these role expectations, can we tell the difference between pseudoforgiveness and the sincere forgiveness that arises from self-respect and acceptance of anger as a part of who we are? I would argue that the letting go of anger and resentment that is a part of so many definitions of forgiveness is in and of itself unhealthy for women. Forgiveness professionals play into stereotypes of the “good” woman when they help her to experience her anger and then move beyond it. Instead, the integration of anger and aggression with their identity, even as a compassionate, caring person, is ideal for women who have been brought up in this culture.
Also, it is clear that forgiveness advocates make some moral judgment about those who “refuse” to forgive. A female victim’s character may be impugned because of her response to a wrongdoing, when the victim herself did not do wrong. There is more of an obligation for women in this culture to forgive because it supports their role in society. Those who deviate from role expectations are generally judged harshly.
Lamb. “Women, Abuse, and Forgiveness: A Special Case”. in Before Forgiving, 164.
The absolute best thing about my therapist is her continued support of me being angry. Anger takes up space, it demands action (or reaction) and it is a visceral reminder to me that I exist and that I *deserve* feelings. I deserve to not only be impacted by, but have an impact *on* my environment and my life. So pass me on forgiveness bullshit.
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